... helping children cope with temporary paternal separation

 

The next three pages cover the Emotional Cycle of Separation (adapted from the Emotional Cycle of Deployment by Logan, K. V. (1987). The Emotional Cycle of Deployment. Proceedings, 113(2): 43–47). Click on the stages below or use the buttons on the left hand side to get to the three pages Before Dad goes... While Dad's away... or When Dad gets home.

 

Stage 1.  Anticipation of Departure

 

Stage 2.  Detachment & Withdrawl

 

Stage 3.  Immediate Effects of Separation & Emotional Disorganisation

 

Stage 4.  Establishing a New Routine

 

Stage 5.  Anticipating Homecoming

 

Stage 6.  Adjustment / Renegotiating Roles 

 

Stage 7.  Reuniting / Reintegration & Stabilisation

 

 

Read more about Separation Anxiety.

Hard for Dads...

Things Dads miss:

Seeing their children grow and develop

Hearing their laughter

Feeling their love

When Dads get back they could well experience feelings of isolation and rejection from their family as the remaining family group may well have developed even tighter bonds to get through the tough times when he has been absent.

Hard for kids...

Then taking this to the next stage this can lead to a further detrimental impact on the child/children as it is not uncommon as the child grows up in this sort of environment to swap roles with the remaining parent and attempt to take care of them as they become more aware of the emotional state of the parent.

There is also the child's potential loss of respect for the returning parent as an authority figure

Parental absence might affect learnt behaviour resulting from the absence of one of the parents. So in the case of an absent male a child might be more inclined to develop stronger feminine characteristics such as empathy, listening skills and understanding while potential lacking more traditionally masculine traits such as competitiveness and a solution focused approach.

Hard for Mums... 

The impact of paternal separation on the remaining parent cannot be underestimated.  Mums are likely to be ‘forced’ to attempt to fill both parental roles, which in itself can be very hard on the parent. This is to say nothing of the stress that not having anyone to share the parental chores with can have and the potential for this to lead to symptoms of anxiety and depression.

We must be wary of the impacts on the dynamics of all the relationships in the family when the absent parent returns eg resentment from the remaining parent toward the returning parent for not ‘doing their bit’.

Maintain basic routines. The stress of a separation can disrupt family schedules. But routines make kids feel safe. As much as possible, continue the same mealtimes, bedtimes, sports, and playdates for your child. "Reassure him with familiarity whenever you can," says Myers-Walls.

Read books with your children with which they can empathise, such as My Daddy Is a Soldier , Soldier Oli and My Daddy's Going Away....

Record Dad's voice in a bedtime story or some film footage for your child(ren) to listen or watch

in his absence. The UK Army & RAF run a scheme called Storybook Soldiers / Wings - read about how it benefits kids here and see links in the contacts section.

Visit helpful websites like one set up by the Military Child Education Coalition, a nonprofit that advocates for military kids in the school system, and the American Academy of Pediatrics Military Child Support site. 

Reach out to your local community support system for help - whether this be your husband's company, family or through your local church community if you need counseling or other support.

Go to Fun Ideas and take a look at other ways of keeping Dad and child connected.